Lately I'd been wondering what the purpose is for me in this constant struggle, as in: where will it take me and what am I supposed to do with it. I heard everywhere that situations in a person's life are for a purpose and so a person aught to figure out what the purpose is and use it to glorify God with. So I'd been going through all sorts of books, but it all just lands me right back to step one: What is this supposed to be for? What is its long term purpose? All the books I've read say I need to discover the purpose as its just as important as discovering who you are (context was given by examples of devorces and adoptions and etc, littered the pages as examples of how a person thought they were one way and then went on a journey as they didn't know who they really were and needed to find themselves). Finding out what purpose this trial is for, its nearly hopeless to figure out. I felt so lost. It's all ended up in one big muddling frustration...Like a ball of yarn that once bumped and jostled all over the place, becomes a knotted up mess of tangles. The more it is worked over by someone who doesn't know what they are doing, the worse the knots get. I set down researching. I just don't believe that getting frazzled over a puzzle is worth it, so I'd calm down and then go back to it...well, that was my plan. I set to read fictional Christian books in the mean time.
I was referred a book by a friend, so I set around to reading that. It was the story of a young girl who's mother dropped her off as an infant with an amish family to raise. It was heartwarming and I loved it from the start. Then it happened, she discovers her amish family isn't really blood family and she tells her amish grandmother (who she places complete trust in and tells her heart to) in a big frustrated sigh that she doesn't know who she really is anymore and she needs to find herself, but that would mean leaving the family she loves. The grandmother shakes her head and says to stop right there, for that was wrongful thinking. She did not need to find herself, she was never lost to begin with. The girl says of course she does need to find herself! She's not who she thought she was! The grandmother just chuckled and said that was nonsense to speak that way, that she knew who her granddaughter was. The girl disagreed because she really wasn't her granddaughter, she was adopted! She was told to stop right that instant, for her thinking was wrong. It wasn't right for her to say she was lost and needed to find herself, that was foolishness. It was that she wanted to know what more was out there for her- opportunities to discover a world she was born into. The grandmother elaborated on how she knew the girl was never lost and needing to be found: the girl was still the same girl who loved to gather wildflowers with her grandmother, ran with her little brothers in a game of chase, to willingly help with chores, a young lady who had a heart to give and expected nothing in return, who loved the color blue and would watch the stars late at night, just to witness one shoot across the sky...and that is who the girl was. Finding herself, nonsense, that had been found already. Opportunities, now those were things to be searched out.
It was so clear as crystal that I had been doing the same thing, only in a round about way...lol, and so twisted around that I didn't know which way was up. I very well know who I am, and its not all that different from the description the grandmother gave to her granddaughter. It occurred to me that I already know that in the end, all that I do should bring God the glory. Who in Scripture who went through their trials knew precisely where it would lead them so they could properly glorify God?
Did Esther? What about Ruth? Samuel? David? Solomon? Jacob? Moses? Elijah? Noah? Ooo, or what about Job as he went through unfathomable trials? No? Who knew then? The disciples? Shadrack, Meshack, and Abendigo? Did they know where their trials and persicutions would bring them so they could plan and properly glorify God? No to that too, huh? What a pretty pickle this is! Not a single one of the people in Scripture that I could find knew, in fact, they walked in complete blindness (not knowing) to what the future held in connection to their present trial - but they walked by faith that God would provide (which glorified God because of their actions). What then were these books telling me to do? Wasn't that contrary to Scripture then? Surely there must be someone in Scripture who knew! Well, I found just one, and only one: Jesus. He knew what was to come because He is all-knowing, He knew how to respond to it, He is holy; and He glorified God. It showed me all the same, it is actions and heart that matter...it was the same theme that all the rest in Scripture resonated with in their trials. The only difference was this: Jesus is God who is omnipotent, and the rest were mortal men who placed their trust and hope upon the Lord for the unknown in their tomorrows.
You know what I realized from this? I know who I am, I know I am being used through this, more opportunities and challanges will rise up in the future, and so long as I am walking in the Spirit, He is glorified by it. I am walking by faith, which is an action He inables me to do, and that pleases Him very much. I also realize that I am not God either but a mortal, so I do not know what is coming, I do not know what is in tomorrow, or even an hour from now, but I know that in this present moment, I can be walking with Him and giving Him praise and thanks, and definitely, trusting Him with my future.
The more I thought about it and mused over all of this, the more it made sense, like the knots were loosening from the mess. Doesn't Scripture say not to trouble ourselves about tomorrow for today has enough troubles of its own? And also not to be anxious about anything, but with prayer and supplication, present it before the Lord? And the knots were gone, just like that. I don't indeed NEED to know how this all comes together in my life so that I can glorify Him. What a giant of a destraction that really is as it makes it nearly impossible for me to truly focus on Him! Not to mention its next to impossible to trust Him to lead me as through that means I end up inevitably leading myself. And guess what? Leading myself is not trusting God to lead me, so that leads in the opposite way of glorifying God as well. How can a person give Him glory when he does not trust Him with the whole of the future and with His gentle leading?
I've already placed my faith and trust in God, who will lead me through all that is coming in my future. Because I have done that, all that is required of me is that I am walking willingly in the Spirit (actions and heart), that will in turn, glorify God. It truly is that simple, and it is liberating. Today, I say goodbye dizzying endless round-and-round, and hello understanding and peace. :)
ps- Inclosed is a video that I found quite excellent and beautiful. Its called The Potter: Reflections of a Master Artisan, by David Blakeslee and Day of Discovery.