So here I am, wondering what to write about. Sounds silly, I know, for just last night I was rambling on and on about things. Yet, it is what it is I guess.
Lets start with the most prominent thought as that seems to work best. Yes, so then, here we go...
Been thinking a lot about what I'm to be doing. I mean, really DOING (going out and or making some sort of motion of being active) in my Walk. I'm so unsure that I just don't know. I don't feel inactive for the reason that people have told me that I am affecting their lives, so I must be active or a ripple affect wouldn't be possible. Its hard for me, I guess is what I am trying to say. Yes, hard for me to know where my place is. Those around me are planning their lives, they know what they want and they are striving for that goal. When I try to plan my life, it's like its an empty space on a page and I don't know what I'm supposed to put in that blank spot. I know that I am supposed to be where I am, and doing what I'm doing, but I keep thinking that I need to be doing something...I dunno...something more. Something helpful, something useful, something to reach out. But what? But what? That is the question, and I want badly to have an answer to it.
I keep entertaining the notion that I have already answered this question and its answer is: I don't need to know what I'm going to be "when I grow up." My life is not to be compared to my friends' lives; it is not right to do that. Right now, it is only imperative that I keep my eyes on God and keep walking rightly with Him. I should not worry about "what tomorrow brings." My future purpose will be revealed in due time. I wish most strongly that I would just accept that, but I find it a difficult pill to swallow. Especially when asked, "Are you going to return to college? What are you planning on studying?" I tell them I don't know. The more I tell people I want to get majors in English and Photography, the less convinced I am that I really do want to obtain that end. What purpose would they have to me once I had achieved them? Of what use in my life would they be? A slip of paper to frame? I do not desire learned knowledge to become dusty like that. Not when investing money in learning. It needs to do something of good use for me. I'm beginning to have the impression that I may not step foot in college again. Almost like I am stretching out my hands for it, but it is going one way and I am going the other. I am doing the only thing I know how to do: Continually asking (pleading is more like it) for God to bestow His wisdom on me.
I received a letter in the mail today, telling me that a sermon cd is being sent my way called "God's Perspective on the Christian and Work." I am curious and more than eager to listen to it as words leapt off the page at me....
"Let me encourage you - there is no division between sacred and secular in the lives of believers. Knowing and loving the Lord sanctifies even the mundane aspects of our lives and brings an eternal purpose to bear on everything we do. So no matter what our day-to-day jobs are, we're all called to live lives of full-time ministry. Your opportunities to serve the Lord and His people don't end when you exit the doors of your church. Whether you're a doctor, a grocery clerk, a truck driver, a flight attendant, a teacher, a police officer, a professional athlete, or a day laborer, your workplace is your mission field. At work you're more than an employee - you're an ambassador for God's truth. You're not just there to punch a clock, perform a task, and receive a wage. There is an eternal purpose in your work. Your job is the vehicle the Lord has chosen to bring you into contact with people who need to hear and believe His Word. That's not an invitation too shirk your work duties in favor of non-stop preaching to your co-workers - that kind of behavior is a poor testimony (and would likely lead to unemployment). Do your job, and do it well. Be a conscientious steward of the time your employer pays you for. But remember each day to look for opportunities and fresh ways to declare God's truth to your co-workers. They are watching and listening, and your example and your words can have an eternal impact in their lives. In fact, when it comes to reaching spiritually lost men and women, you probably have an advantage over your pastor. While he spends the majority of his time working and meeting with other Christians, you're face to face with nonbelievers on a daily basis. Its not a coincidence that you're surrounded every day by people who need to hear the truth of Scripture. The Lord has put you into a unique, specific position to reach the lives around you with the gospel. From heaven's perspective, your "secular" job has vast, eternal consequences.....Indeed for the Christian, there is no such thing as "just a job."....ps: Your attitude and performance at work is one of the strongest testimonies you have. I want to help you find greater joy, meaning, direction, and eternal purpose in the day-to-day work to which God has called you." ...And I was left sitting with amazement in my car, in my driveway, the windshield wipers swishing back and forth at flakes of snow.
I almost texted my friends to tell them what this letter just did to my train of thoughts and my perspective but I thought that they would think...I dunno what...that I was silly, strange, crazy or something like that. This is the fifth time in a row that what Grace2You has sent me has impacted my life: ESV Study Bible, Daily Devotional (bk), "Attributes of God" (cd sermon), "Slave: Conforming your life to the will of God" (bk), and "God's perspective on the Christian and Work" (cd sermon).
I do not know what say other than what is happening here is transforming me. I feel like I am fighting against the tightening shell of an old skin, struggling, squirming about, wiggling as hard as I can. I am fighting myself to grasp onto what is good and true and wise. It is a concept far too deep for even me to fathom. Every time I consider what is happening to me, I get into this state of amazement and awe about God. Why? Because all I've ever done is to cruise and relax into sins that I never should have taken pleasure in! And I was awoken to battle. Awoken by God. All of this has been His doing, not my own. Had I been left to myself, I would have stumbled farther into darkness, as is my natural habit to do. But no! His hand upheld me when I stumbled and He did not let me fall, but placed my feet back on solid ground and placing a magnificent Sword in my hands. I was again charged to don my Armor each morning for preparation of the day and then to go and proclaim what is True. I cannot help but know that I'm not going to remain the same. Why does this make me shiver from head to toe? Excitement? Anticipation? ...yes, yes it must be that. The more people see the reflection of Him through me and not see me, the better it is.