For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. - Psalm 139:13-16
I cannot begin to fathom the depths of that. My mind has been pondering and rolling this subject around for quite some time now. Incredible really. How can we begin to grasp that kind of incomprehensible care? It's beautiful.
Awesome in a speechless sort of reverence. The Author of Life not only made us intricately, thoughtfully but planned our steps. I can't walk through your life and point out what He is doing, but I surely can with my life. Come on. Let's take a walk… shall we?
Rewind the footage. Hold on. Fasten your seat belt…
Hold fast. A sailor's tattoo across his knuckles to remind him in a storm of what he must do to survive the terror of storms at sea. We've got this too, Christian. That rope we cling to? God's Word. Life happens? Always be in Scripture. Storms and sunshine both. Read the Bible. Hold Fast. I painted that on my nails in the thick of a life storm once. Visual reminder, that one. Let's go forward…
"Two weeks to live, if you make it through each night." I was told that. As a follower of Jesus, we are to not fret about the future. Death's sting is gone. Proclaim the gospel. Live for Jesus with every breath you've got. Dying is only gain. Remember that. You may be the only light someone sees through the darkness. Let's speed up to the cool part-
I opened my eyes on the morning that doctors said I'd not live to see. I'd said my I love you that meant goodbye for now. I looked toward heaven. I thought I was in God's waiting room. My name about to be called. Elated, I listened, waited with baited breath. It was highly uncomfortable, akin to drowning, but with blood not water. My mind knew it would be temporary. Recall Pilgrims Progress? Christian at the river? That's how I saw it. Fulfillment of promise was on the other side, glorious and grand. I wanted. Endured. Longed. I thought to my loved ones and I had asked if it was His will, that I stay for them. However! If it were time -for there is no such thing as before one's time, we all have an appointment here- then Jesus take me Home! I wanted eagerly to finally see His face. I was ready.
I was given a miracle (Thank you Jesus!). And it exposed a lie in my life- "Just another day." Let me be perfectly frank with you folks, that doesn't exist. Every day you wake up? That's a brand new day. One you did not have yesterday, and you won't have today again. It's precious. Wrapped up for us to discover when we rise up from sleep. We take it for granted, don't we? I know I did.
Trials? Struggles? How could that be a gift? I've touched on this before. Let's go to Scripture. That's what we cling to.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. -James 1:2-4
Do you see the gift? Don't be like the world, Christian. You don't belong. And you won't. You're a light in the darkness. Lights stand out. A beacon shining into the night, for the lost. Scripture says we're a city on a hill. Shine. Be fearless. Hope.
Fast forward. Zip!
The hurried steps of a visiting pastor. His voice called out to me, "Hope! Wait, Hope. I want to talk to you." Wow, that's a bit fast, isn't it? We went years forward here. Here, where I was in the center of a storm. I was calm while my life spun in idiopathic medical difficulties. I had given my poem, There Is A Battle Line, to my pastor to read. He had asked my permission to read it in front of the congregation, leading into the sermon. He called it "a timely reminder." I was then asked up to present my testimony. I sat on a chair, and trembling like a leaf, shared my walk with my precious Jesus from my being born again up to that present moment in front of them. There wasn't a dry eye, and a visiting pastor in the back mistakenly thought my name was Hope. So I gained a knickname. I like it. Hope isn't like dandelion blown wishes, you know. True hope? It's solid. It's built firmly on the knowledge of what's to come, the promise of all our tears wiped away; the place where pain and suffering cannot cross into (thank you, Jesus!). Looking at the face of God and hearing "Well done, my good and faithful servant." Hope.
OK, let's hold down the button for the sake of time. Lots of years. We'll just fly by. Isn't that just like time? It always seems like yesterday until it's pondered about. So many details that get forgotten somehow, yet how important they are in refining us as we walk with Jesus! Whoa now lets not pass this event. It really hurt but… God brought good out of it. He is amazing like that. I didn't see the good at the moment, but it was there from the beginning. His perfect will in motion, just as always and always will be.
The date? February 14, 2022. Present year. Yes, you're right, that's Valentine's day. I worked that day. It was a busy, hustle and bustle sort of day. Made more hectic by people getting special dinners for loved ones on the snowy winter's day. Accident reports were buzzing my phone infrequently throughout my shift. I keep it on vibrate so I can hear the buzz as the report comes in and pray. A coworker called out sick, so I told my boss I would pull a double. Just, let me attend to my pets at home first. It was agreed. I left to do so.
The weather condition of the day prior had been sunny and hot for winter, the snow had partially melted. Added to it, this day was cold and powder snow covered over the frozen sheets of ice. I merged over to begin my turn toward home. Caution, I reminded myself, flicked on my turn indicator, and I slowly worked the break pedal. I'd done this thousands of times. I watched the speed decrease. I began to make my turn, and realized that my car was still going forward. It wasn't stopping! My foot pressed down on the break. Nothing, I was sliding.
I looked ahead and I had one thought- This is it. And then I went limp, thinking it might help in my recovery. Ahead of me was the equivalent of a concrete wall. A snow berm that had been there all winter. I saw the gas line and I recall hearing myself scream. The semi truck whizzed by and unknown to me, a car slowed behind me. I had no life flash before my eyes moment. It was too fast an event for that. Pain shattered like stars through my vision as the airbag deployed, punching me in the face. I remained alert. I didn't go unconscious.
I put my car in park (habit I guess), hit my emergency lights, and planned to stay in the car but quickly changed my mind as I saw smoke rolling into the cabin. I turned off the car, detached my seat belt, snapped up my phone, opened the door (how I got the door open, they aren't sure- they had trouble with it) and for the life of me, I can't remember jumping… but I had to have jumped due to the angle of the vehicle on the berm. I stood there, looking at my car for a second, my thumb had hovered over the 9 but I heard from behind me a voice and dropped my hand to my side. "Ma'am! Are you alright? Are you ok?" A young guy hurried up to ask. "I'm not sure." I managed. I looked down at myself. "I'm alive. I'm alive." I was hugging him and repeating that. He held me and assured me I was and asked what he could do for me.
I heard an ambulance and a police car pulled in, the officer exited and ran to me, "No, not you! Are you alright?" I still wasn't sure. The young man guided me over to the other side of my car away from the busy traffic. I gave the officer all the details of the crash and was sat down in the officer's car. I called my insurance company. Then my boss. "Uh, hi, I won't be able to come back in. I… I crashed. My car's going to be totaled… I don't know if I'm ok? I hurt all over so I can't assess it properly? Yah. I know I got a concussion for sure." I've researched car crashes for a story I did. I know enough to know stuff hides when adrenaline is pumping too. I planned to be very careful until I knew more information.
I watched the officer talk to the witness. Then he came and sat beside me, "How are you? Sore? Yeah I bet after that. His story matches what you told me. This isn't your fault, the ice took you and you hung on. I don't know what to say to you. I'm shocked. You should be hurt much worse but… but this is the perfect crash. Wow. It couldn't be more perfect. It's as if angels guided your car straight forward. There's no other explanation why you are here. Its that perfect. Had your car knifed to the left? The semi would have got you. To the right? You would have hit the gas line. And had you turned like you thought? You wouldn't be here. There's not any barrier between your car door and you. But here you are. I'm so glad you're alive. And bonus- No one else involved. Just you, and the ice. This is good, if a crash could ever be considered perfect- this is the one. This is it." He looked at me in sympathy and concern. "I'm sorry you got hurt. Ah, here they come. We just came from an accident. Very slippery conditions. It's going to be a busy day."
The ambulance got in there and I stared down at the clipboard, unsure why I couldn't fill out my information. Why were the lines moving? Why was the print blurred? Why couldn't I figure out what to write? The waving lines made me some what sick. "It's ok, just do what you can." He noticed my frown. "I can't," I shook my head. "You can't? Don't stress, it's ok. Here. Its more than likely that you're in shock." He took it from my hands. "There are people coming up behind us." I saw the car. "Those are my parents. It's ok. Just tell my mom to stay in the car- she had back surgery. It's not safe for her out on that ice." They were panicked, worried about me. It took assuring to calm mom, who wouldn't stay in the car. The officer helped her. The ambulance personnel came up and checked my vitals. They said oxygen saturation was good. I was relieved because that meant no popped lungs. I opted not to do the ambulance ride. The steak and wine were removed from the car along with personal items. The long stem red rose a customer gave me was an explosion of petals all over the front of the cabin floor. (Later when I would go to gather my personal items from my car and see it for the first time since the crash and touch it for the last time, I would be told by the yard guy, "You're the driver's family? How are they? I mean I saw this wreck come in and my heart sank- I just knew this is a bad one, they're definitely in the hospital. Man… that owner is in bad shape." I smiled over at him, "Sir, I am the owner." His jaw dropped. He said some words and said "What, were angels there or something?? This is too big for lucky, ok? Way too big." I turned, "You're right. I'm standing here not by luck but by God. He did this." He got food for thought I'm sure. And so did I as I looked at what used to be the front of my car for the first time: I shouldn't have walked away from this, and He made it so I did. Thank you, God.)
I was taken to the er. Saturation and heart rate were taken. Then they talked to me about the coming days. They asked what on earth gave me the idea to go limp seconds before impact? I replied that drunks do that and they walk away from crashes typically- their bodies don't fight the momentum, they go with it. The er dr said it was a very clever move as I would have been hurt far worse (I later learned it saved me from breaking my ribs, collarbone, and spine. On the trade off? It made my concussion and whiplash stronger). They prescribed pain medication and sent me home. I laid down at home, after getting comfy and noticing my sore driving foot was missing the top layer of skin. It hit the bottom of the dash, I presumed. I thanked God I kept my foot. I knew of crashes like mine- they lost their foot or broke it badly.
I laid, staring at the ceiling. Lidocaine patch over my ribs (later, we'd discover the cartilage was torn). "Thank you, God. For protecting me today, for the angels that were certainly there. I know You did that. Help me recover, I hurt so much. Wherever You're taking me, it's for good. I know that. I'm ready. I'm ready."
Fast forward! I looked up into the mri tunnel, the sound muted by earplugs, tube of contrast wrapped around my thumb and held loose in my hand. …Oops. Don't want to give you all whiplash too. I should have warned you that was coming. I'd been falling. I fell down the stairs, fell in my field, fell in stinging nettle (ouch). And as they'd gotten the wheelchair to come get me in the parking lot, I fell then too and smacked my head on the car. I'd been dropping things more. At a prior appointment, my Dr had pushed and pulled at my arms and legs, my fingers, feet. I had atrophy. "I'm surprised you haven't fallen more than you have." He said. "I want a brain mri with contrast done." I swallowed. "This isn't from the crash, is it?" He shook his head. "No, the atrophy is not related." I pulled in a breath, "Okay, let's do this."
So there I was, list of prayer requests pressed in my right hand as I prayed for people. I'd figured that was a good use of my time. "Well, God?" I thought. "Here I am. Crossing an unknown. We've been there before with the itp. Remember that? It was hard but You got me through. Gave me that miracle too. Anything I go through, I'm going through with You so I'm cool with it. Whatever they find? We'll walk through that together too. I'm not worried, I'm trusting You. You lead, I'll follow. Wherever You go, I'm following. For Your glory. And if what comes of this saves someone lost with Your light in my life, so be it. I'm glad to bear whatever it is. Help me be a good example to my friends. If I'm to fight something, I want them to see You in me."
Time elapsed, it finished, and I was sent home. I would later receive a phone call. "Hi? We got the results… White masses were found on your brain. Hmm? Yes, lesions. Do you have a piece of paper handy? I'll spell this word for you-" I grabbed my cellphone and opened a search bar, "Fire away. I'm ready." The receptionist began to spell "D-e-m-y-l-e-n-a-t-i-n-g." I didn't hit search. I already knew that word. I looked up at the ceiling and placed my hand over my mouth. No kidding? Well, didn't that make so much sense! They went on to talk about multiple sclerosis and said they wanted me to see a specialist.
So here I am, waiting to see a specialist. I've since seen the mri for myself and saw the tiny white dots. Lesions sound like such a lackluster name, such a downer. I decided to call them stars. My own little constellation. That sounds far more fancy and sparkly, don't you think so too? Stars in my brain. Yep. Much nicer.
I've been asked if this is going to change everything. No, folks, no it's not. I am going to continue to walk this walk. Anything I face? I know it's temporal. It doesn't go with me when I go Home one day. Yes, so working out at the gym is new. Honestly that's a good thing anyway. Having a goal of being fit, I believe, is taking care of the body God gave me. I might even have been excited when I showed my physical therapist something I have never had before. I told him, "I call it… definition." We celebrated that with jokes and puns, laughing.
I told one of my church family on Sunday- "I don't want pity. This is not a burden, it's my staff. I'm going to have to walk with this, I have been already, but! in that, it is a tool God has given me and I'm going to go places with it. It's inconvenient when I want to do something because my hand is full. Yet again, with my eyes focused on God, it's a convenient way to open a conversation- to say yes I'm familiar with struggles, and look, come this way- I will show you Who can make you strong when all you have left is weakness. Let me show you Who can give you hope when all you feel is hopeless. Perspective is important. I want to shine. I want people when they see me, they see Jesus and know that in their lives, they too can stand victorious come what may here on Earth."
Currently as of today, I wait, working on healing and getting stronger. I'm teaching myself to speed read once more, it's a work in progress due to the optic nerve damage. Every step is exciting… I've got a stack of delicious to be read books waiting for me! I struggle with researching and studying, but, I will not quit. I'm resolved to be a student of the Word. Just because something is harder, doesn't mean stop trying. I'm surrounded by the love of my family and my friends. I'm ever thankful for the encouragement of the good friends who listened and were and are there for me. I praise God for those brothers and sisters in Christ, I know full well that He placed all of these into my life. I cherish their words in my heart. I can't stress how important having this support is.
Until next time,
Shine forth in the darkness (be fearless and unashamed of the gospel). Armor on, with the Sword in your hand (be in the Word!). Eyes on Jesus (focus on glorifying God in your walk). Let's run the race (persevere)!
God bless :)
Oh! Ps- There Is A Battle Line, that poem was published as of this month in Clean Fiction Magazine. I've seen a dream become reality, seeing it in print. I am praying it inspires Christian readers to actively wear their spiritual armor and reminds them that we are engaged in a battle between Truth and lies.
